Archive for May, 2011
Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.” First to recite his poem was the [...]
Arkansas Residency Application
Last Name: ________________ (last) First Name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse’s Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) [...]
How to Speak Southern
How To Speak Southern Hah Tu Spek Suthun) BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” JAWJUH – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.” MUNTS – noun. A calendar division. Usage: “My brother from [...]
It might be the light…
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here. You hold this high so I can see what I [...]
Fraud Warning!
WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,” DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential [...]
Congress Approves Americans With No Abilities Act
WASHINGTON, DC–On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack [...]
Have We Got A Place For You…
Morris, the Governor’s most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Morris had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the Governor didn’t take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who [...]
Loony Laws of the U.S.
From the book “Loony Laws” by Robert Pelton… In Ottumwa, Iowa, “It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unaquainted.” In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time. In Zion, [...]
10 dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey
An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a 10 dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the [...]
Insanity In The Workplace: A How To Guide
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.) [...]