Jokes And Java

Congress Approves Americans With No Abilities Act

Posted by joker1 on Saturday, May 21st, 2011

WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With
No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits
and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its
passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon
millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--
do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful
role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA
supporter.

"Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,
dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, filling
out mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and
processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly,
for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of
working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a
reality."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an
illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-
based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a
sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly
replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to
hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire
one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough
new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by
banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview
questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do
you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this
company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up
with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou
Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a
Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of
notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz
and millions of other untalented, unessential citizens can
finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human
beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of
his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take
up in this great nation."

Posted in: Featured, Politics.

Comments are closed.