Archive for the ‘Funny Quotes’ Category
For Thought
“Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they do make wonderful ancestors.” – David Brenner
Unsettled !
“A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.” Don Quinn
Plain truth.
“The child had his mother’s eyes, his mother’s nose and his mother’s mouth. Which, when you think about it, probably left the mother looking quite blank”. (according to Robert Benchley)
My bad…
“A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.” –Christopher Case
Medical Chart Quotes
a.. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she is very hot in bed at night. b.. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side, for over a year. c.. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. [...]
I Should Hope Not…
“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’ –Larry Miller
Relationships
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” –Bob Ettinger
Deer Heads
“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.” –Ellen DeGeneres
Ceiling & Stars
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.